Pursuing New Year Reading Resolutions

Reactions in the face of conflict or threat

Thanks to the book I’ll take some self love with that I have discovered a fourth reaction in the unproductive ways we respond in situations of conflict or when feeling threatened.

I first heard of two reactions
Fight or Flee
And for a long time I have only been aware of three, that I have proudly refered to
Fight, Flee or Freeze
Now I know there is a fourth; Fawn!
Fawning involves people-pleasing behaviors to appease the threat and avoid conflict, often neglecting one’s own needs. A brief casual analysis convinces me that many times we default to fawning.

Have you ever tried to figure out your unproductive or unhealty reactions in the face of conflict? Remember, while at it, if you did not know like me, there are four Fs as your aide memoir that stand for Fight, Flee, Freeze or Fawn.

And this is what reading books does to you; enables you discover what you do not know, opens up new vistas, helps you introspect, inspire you or simply entertain you.

First on the list

Cece’s memoir was the first on my list of three books written by African/Black Authors that I read in February. As my new year challenge, resolution sounds tired, I decided to read at least 2 or 3 books written by African/Black writers each month. And I am going to be sharing in this blog the journey’s I take as I read these books. Am sure it will keep me accountable and challenge you to join me in this reading journey.

Cece wrote this book with her daughter in mind so that her daugher will know her mother’s backstory. I think that’s a really cool thing to do. She also wrote it from the perspective of capturing some of the personal stories she shares with her coachees in her coaching practice. Through it she hopes that her readers will discover that life is an adventure, and it is worthwhile taking some self love while at it.

A book that reminded me of the travails I have had with my hair

The second book in my list took me on a mental tour of what has been lifelong struggles with my hair. When we were in primary school, both boys and girls spotted short cropped hair, it was considered tidy and the less time the girls’ spent on hair the more time they had to concentrate on more important matters of growing up, like reading to pass examinations for example. Little did I know that this was pure bliss.

I was excited that in high school I would grow my hair long thanks to what I saw my sister do when she came home on holidays from high school. When I reported to my school of choice, I was ecstatic to note the many ways long hair could be combed out and styled thanks to the creativity of my seniors and classmates from totally different background from my own!

However, I discovered very quickly to my utter dismay that my hair wasn’t the type that could be easily tamed and styled. It grows in an interesting if frustrating patchwork formation that could easily turn into a geography class. The front is longer than the sides and gradually gets dense as you approach the crown. It forms well defined big curls at the nape which transform in character into dense springy coils as the hair approaches the top middle portion of the head. The entire affair is a totally unruly mass which adamantly defies control. Short cropped would have to be my style if I wanted peace with myself and the school discipline masters!

In NYS we had to plait corn rows, this milieu made me imagine that life in campus would be smooth sailing. Little did I know that cornrows were frowned upon at the university! Ushamba gani (what backwardness)? Would be the reaction such hairstyles elicited. Being a Gen X I did not have the audacity of the Gen Z to go against the grain of the thinking at the time.

Smartness comprised in either braiding, perming or spotting a curly kit. The pulling and tugging of hair as you got your braids done at Kenyatta Market and the pain as you put your head on a pillow the night after the hair braiding ordeal would make some of us have to take painkillers but it was the more affordable smartness option for a student like me.

Undoing the braids was an entire night spent tugging at tangled tufts that would give me a headache and a running nose that took me ages to figure out as an allergic reaction caused by all the build-up in my hair! Oh the pain!

The perm that I thought would give me a wavy mane that cascaded down to the shoulders and beyond compensating for my small stature and giving me a much needed presence at work, would lead to burns on the scalp and signs of developing alopecia at the top of my head thanks to the breakages and thinning of hair that I observed giving me endless nightmares.

I could write an entire book on the travails I have had with my hair; fascination at possibilities that would wind up as broken dreams with nightmares .., an entire caboodle. Hair trauma that needs deep healing! Jayne Allen reminded me of this journey through her novel Black Girls Must be Magic that I read after Cece’s memoir.

It’s amazing that spotting natural hair could cost one a promotion, earn a broadcasting house low ratings and hence cause one to get a sit-down with the boss. Oh the battles we have to fight in life.

And I imagined all along that I was alone in my hair dramas and trauma! These days when I see people with hair that would have earned them a full 45 minutes standing at the quadrangle of our school for punishment, I admire them because I know what it takes to decide to go natural in that way!

Thanks heaven too for all those who have walked this journey and have been courageous enough to share their stories. They help us realise we can choose differently. And praised be too all those manufacturers who are developing products suited for the different types of natural African hair, who make our journey with our hair so much more comfortable and enjoyable.

Other struggles explored

Jayne Allen also explores other challenges that are getting thrown in our paths as we navigate life such as struggles in relationships both in personal, social and professional arenas. The context might be different as it written from an American perspective but whatever she explores in her novel relates even in our local Kenyan context.

Thanks to globalization and technological developments all of us now have to deal with new and oftentimes even more challenging realities. What she specifically deals with in this area would fall under the field of bioethics, at the personal and professional sphere. If simple decisions like wearing one’s hair natural can be so difficult and have such complex and unforeseen repercussions, how about deciding to get a child from a frozen sperm? What are the unforeseen outcomes such technological advancements pose? Our decision-making training needs to have factored this complex maze 50 years ago, I doubt we have even started making any considerations about these and mainstreaming them in our schooling systems.

Environmental Impacts of the extractive industries

How Beautiful We Were by Imbolo Mbue a Cameroonian-American was my third read. It covers fights of an even more serious and far reaching nature. The environmental degradation type of fight that comes with discovery and extraction of oil resources in the depths of a fictional Africa village. Outcomes of the degradation lead to loss of livelihoods and lives of the local communities. She describes how individuals’, families and communities lives are turned upside down, how their efforts to get justice in a legalistic and bureaucratic maze they do not comprehend ends tragically while the fat cats enjoy themselves from the proceeds of the resources that have caused incredible harm and pain.

The choice of the three books was purely random and it is interesting but purely coincidental that all three are authored by women. I also notice a common thread in all three books. A kaleidoscope of choices and how they affect our lives at the personal, communal and even grander scale like national or international. Choices and how we make them is an area of life I am very passionate about. I like to explore resources that give us a methodology to help us make good decisions whose outcomes we can comfortably live with whether or not they are expected or unexpected.

I will be exploring some of these resources in subsequent posts.

Do you have a framework within which you make your decisions? Is it a framework you are comfortable with and are willing to share with me and those who read this blog? Hit me up in the comments section below.